What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a normal part of your child's development during which she learns that being separated from you is not permanent.

Young babies do not understand the concept of time. Neither do they understand that when something disappears from their view it is still there and it is just that they cannot see it. Therefore, they fear that when you leave, you will be gone forever; they cannot look forward to a time when you will return.

The typical signs of separation anxiety include clinging to one particular parent or carer; crying when you show signs that you are about to leave e.g. putting on your coat, getting the car keys; fretfulness and crying when they cannot see you. Their anxiety may be intensified by stressful events such as a new environment or when they are ill, tired or frustrated.

Not all children develop attachment behaviours such as separation or stranger anxiety. If your baby does not show this pattern it does not mean that she is not attached to you.

When does it develop?

Signs of separation anxiety generally begin when your child is around 6-7 months and peaks when they are about 12-18 months. Most children have grown out of it by age 3.

During the first few months of life your baby does not seem to mind who cares for her needs or who comes close. She will happily become attached to anyone who picks her up or comes into her line of vision.

By four months, however, your baby begins to recognise and distinguish between faces - she smiles more at familiar faces and is more easily soothed by somebody familiar to her.

By 6 - 7 months many children become primarily attached to one person, which in our society is most often mum. She clings on to this special person for security and begins to use them as a safe haven from which to explore and learn about the bigger, wider world. (It is interesting to note that it is also around this stage that most children learn to crawl, so in addition to being able to get you to come to her she is also able to move closer to you.)

Some children who have formed this single strong attachment to one care-giver may show signs of anxiety or protest at signs of impending separation, even if they have been left in the care of a familiar babysitter or family member.

They may cling, cry or show other signs of distress. This behaviour can be upsetting for the adults involved too - the desired parent may feel frustrated and exhausted while the other may feel unloved or excluded. However, most babies who go through this phase begin to show some attachment to siblings, the other parent, the extended family and babysitters after the age of one.

All these attachments seem to have the same qualities and the child uses them as a safe base from which to explore the world.

Stranger anxiety is also common at this age when your child may become distressed and cling to you in the presence of strangers, especially in unfamiliar surroundings. Again it must be emphasised that not all children show this response to strangers but in the ones that do, it typically lasts for a couple of months between the age of 8 - 12 months. The behaviour of the stranger has a lot to do with how the child will react.

For example, just walking into a room where a child is present will not normally elicit any fear but if a stranger approaches too quickly or tries to pick up the child then that can elicit a strong fear reaction.

Separation anxiety may manifest again at later stages e.g. when school refusal occurs in a 5 - 6 year old at the beginning of primary schooling. However, when school refusal occurs in the 11 - 12 year old as part of transition to secondary school both separation anxiety and other factors may be involved.

How should I deal with it?

Separation anxiety is a normal part of your child's development and in most children it disappears as they become more secure in their independence and realise that separations are not permanent. Before long the child that is now clinging to you will be pushing you away and asserting their independence. While your child is in this clingy phase, however, there are a few things you can do to help make her feel more secure.

• Position her close to you as you go about your everyday tasks.
• Chat to her while you are occupied with the housework or other chores.
• Encourage her attempts at independence and comfort her when they fail (when she takes a tumble trying to walk for example).
• Play games of peek-a-boo to help her understand that even though you are out of sight for a few seconds you will return.
• When you are leaving your baby at nursery or in the care of a babysitter say goodbye and that you will be back.
• Do not prolong good-byes.
• Soothe and reassure your child when she is upset.
• Do not be tempted to sneak out of the house in an attempt to avoid a scene - this may only serve to make your child more anxious the next time you prepare to leave the house.
• Do not scold your child for being anxious or clingy.  

Remember that your child's anxiety is not due to anything you have done so try not to feel guilty.