Anxiety is a normal response to new or potentially threatening situations. It makes us more alert to danger and can prevent us from putting ourselves in harmful situations.

Is anxiety in children normal?

Anxiety is part and parcel of childhood. Most children go through phases of feeling fearful or anxious about various events and situations. In fact, certain anxieties are normal and are to be expected at different times of your child’s development.

For example, it is perfectly normal for an 18-month-old to become anxious when separated from his mother; for a four-year-old to be fearful of dogs; for a six-year-old to have occasional nightmares or for a nine-year-old to be anxious about fitting in with new friends.

While a certain amount of anxiety is normal, if your child’s fears interfere with everyday life this is cause for concern. Overly anxious children will need special support and help from their parents and others in coping.

Why do children feel anxious?

There are a number of reasons why young children become anxious.

Separation anxiety

Toddlers usually experience anxiety when they are separated from their parents, for example, when they are left with babysitters or at a crèche. For most children this is temporary and they can quickly settle. School children can also feel separation anxiety at times. In extreme the child may refuse to be apart from their parents.

Phobias

Children can develop specific anxieties about certain situations or things such as a fear of dogs or the dark. Usually they are fearful of something specific happening such as being bitten by the dog or a ‘monster’ in the dark. Phobias may be caused by a specific event (such as being chased by a dog) but in many situations there is no specific cause. Most children grow out of childhood phobias but, for some, the phobia will stay with them into adulthood.

Social fears/shyness

It is normal for many children to be shy in company or to take some time before they warm up and get to know other children. Some children worry excessively about new social situations and may avoid making new friends.

Specific worries

Many children worry about bad events or disasters happening such as the car crashing or the house going on fire or their parents dying from an illness. Seeing news items or movies about these things happening often sparks such fears.

Nightmares

Nightmares are very common in children between the ages of two and eight. While nightmares can happen more frequently after a traumatic event, in most cases there is no specific cause and they are generally thought to be the result of the everyday worries and stresses associated with growing up.

What can I do to ease my child’s fears?

There are many practical things that parents can do to help their child through the general anxieties of childhood. Often, listening to your child and reassuring them that everything will be alright is all that is needed. Children who experience excessive anxieties that interfere with their everyday activities will need more specialised help.

Practical tips for parents:

• Listen. This is the single, most important thing you can do. Help your child to open up about what is worrying them. Acknowledge their feelings and fears. Children often feel great relief when someone has heard and understood what is worrying them. Remember that no matter how illogical your child’s worry may seem to you, it is very real for your child so it is important not to dismiss it as “silly”.

• Be aware of your own feelings and worries. Many parents find it hard to listen to their children’s worries because it brings up their own worries or they are troubled that their child feels this way. Try and respond calmly when your children express a worry. The more confident and reassuring you can be, the more you will help them cope.

• Develop specific strategies for dealing with the worry and discuss them with your children. This will depend on what exactly they are worried about. For example, if your three-year-old is worried about monsters under the bed, you can come up with a practical strategy (such as turning on a bedside light in the room) or an imaginative one (such as helping him banish the monsters from under the bed with a magic wand). If your seven-year-old is worried about making new friends help her to think of different ways of approaching this and/or support her as she goes through it.

• Don’t try to answer every ‘what if’ about your children’s worries. It is more important that you communicate a belief in your children that whatever happens they will cope and you will be there to support them.

• Consider having a special “worry time” if your child brings up continual worries. Set aside 20 minutes every day to sit down and listen carefully to all her worries and help her sort them out. For the rest of the day agree to only talk about happy things. If she brings up a worry, say “we’ll talk about that later” and then distract her with something else. If your child is a continual worrier, plan to do lots of “worry-free” and happy activities. This can help build their confidence.

• Teach your children some relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or imagining a happy place. These techniques can help to deal with all worries.

When should I get help for my child’s anxiety?

Most children learn to cope with their worries and anxiety with support from their parents. However, you should seek professional help if you feel your child’s anxiety is significantly affecting their life. For example, if the fear is:

• Interfering with your family activities and routines
• Making it hard for her to find or keep friends
• Preventing attendance at school
• Disrupting sleep or eating habits
• Resulting in compulsive behaviour such as repeatedly washing hands or counting.

Generally, the first port of call is your GP who can make a referral to your local child mental health service or another professional service